I'm a Goan woman, working in Mumbai as the founder of a studio called Totem Creative. I try to make the world happier, safer and more meaningful. I believe education, knowledge and awareness, art, writing and creating Social Impact are my means to achieve that end.



Friday, December 28, 2007

(J) Humour

One out of four people in this country are mentally unbalanced.

Think of your 3 closest friends.. If they seem okay, then you're the one.

Strokes - save a life


Please do your part and send it on, I did mine. It may just be one of US it saves.

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Steps



STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

During a party, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the party. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some ?don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
It only takes a minute to read this...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE:

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR. Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK, to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently: It is sunny out today.)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

(NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue... if the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke)

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency services immediately and describe the symptoms.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

Monday, December 24, 2007

(J) 5 toughest questions that men have to answer

The five toughest questions men have to answer

1.What are you thinking?

2.Do you love me?

3.Do I look fat?

4.Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into major argument and/or divorce if the man doesn't answer properly. For example:

1) What are you thinking?

The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a)Baseball

b)Football

c)How fat you are

d)How much prettier she is than you

e)How he would spend the insurance money if you died

(The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. , "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking Instead of thinking.")

2) Do you love me?

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:

a)I suppose so

b)Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c)That depends on what you mean by 'love'

d)Does it matter?

e)Who, me?

3) Do I look fat?

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

a)I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either

b)Compared to what?

c)A little extra weight looks good on you

d)I've seen fatter

e)Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy

4) Do you think she's prettier than me?

The 'she' in question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:

a)Not prettier, just pretty in a different way

b)I don't know how one goes about rating such things

c)Yes, but I bet you have a better personality

d)Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner

e)Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy

5) What would you do if I died?

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Why? Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really?" said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

(Stony silence)

Here we return to the part about the explosion into major argument and/or divorce.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Pork Chops?

PORK CHOPS?

In a California zoo, a tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplets. Unfortunately, due to complications during pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and, due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, started to decline in health, although she was fine, physically. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. They decided that if the she could get surrogate cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zo
os across the country, they found that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species does take care of a different species. The only orphans that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs.

The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in false tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

Take a look...




Tuesday, December 18, 2007

(J) Cool 'elderly' jokes!! LOL! read these!!

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of th e restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Saturday, December 8, 2007

(J) The Blonde

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Friday, November 23, 2007

(J) The new stud rooster

A Florida chicken farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster from up in Canada for his chicken coop.

Once at the farm, the new rooster strutted over to the old rooster and
said, "OK old hack, time for you to retire." The old rooster
replied, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look
what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over
in the corner?"

But the young rooster said, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster hesitated. "Tell you what, young stud. I'll race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughed raucously."Sure!" he cackled. "But you know
you don't stand a chance, old cock. So just to be fair, I'll give you
a head start."

They paced themselves and the old rooster took off running. About 15
seconds later the young rooster took off running after him.

By the time they had rounded the front porch of the farmhouse, the
young rooster had closed the gap. He was only about five feet behind
the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, was sitting
in his usual spot on the front porch when he saw the roosters running
by, the old rooster squawking and running as hard as he could.

Quick as a flash, the farmer grabbed his shotgun and - BOOM! - blew
the young rooster to bits.

He shook his head sadly. "Darn!" he said, "What the hell is it with
these birds....that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

Love <3

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader
and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

(J) Serena's Reincarnation

Serena was one of those UGLY women - so ugly, it hurt. She had never had a boyfriend. Having tried everything else, she finally went to a psychic for help.

"Honey," said the psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But in your reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet!".

Serena left very happy and excited, and as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins..." She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But incredibly Serena didn't die!

She fell onto the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, not knowing where she was, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, she began touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas. Slowly a smile of delight spread on her face and she mumbled,

"Gentlemen, please! One at a time!"

(J) Love in a mental asylum

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Real Vs. Simple Friend

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Left or Right Brained?!

Hey guys!

Check out:

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,22556678-23272,00.html?from=mostpop

Lets you know if you are left or right brained.

What's the difference? Info also on page.

Cheers

Sunday, November 4, 2007

(J) What is the height of -

1. What is height of Fashion?
Ans : Dhoti with a zip .


2. What is height of Secrecy?
Ans : Offering blank visiting cards.


3. What is height of Active laziness?
Ans : Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


4. What is height of Craziness?
Ans : Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Ans : Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


6. What is height of Stupidity?
Ans : A person looking through a keyhole of a glass door.


7. What is height of Honesty?
Ans : A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


8. What is height of Suicide?
Ans : A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


9. What is height of De-hydration?
Ans : A cow giving milk powder.


10. What is Height of Kanjoosi ?
Ans : Banta's house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Diet health info

PERSPECTIVES OF A PRACTICAL DOCTOR!!
By Dr. David Joseph

SOME HEALTHY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FROM A LOGICAL DOCTOR

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And do remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What A Ride"

Thursday, October 25, 2007

(J) Public Urinals

Three accountants were standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the
sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his
hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured
that every single spot of water on his hands was
dried. Turning to the other two bankers, he said, "At
Price Waterhouse Coopers", we are trained to be
extremely thorough."

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal
and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single
paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands
using every available portion of the paper towel. He
turned and said, at "E&Y", not only are we trained to
be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be
extremely efficient."

The third accountant finished and walked straight for
the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Shah &
Patel, we don't pee on our hands."

Recover Scratched CDs!


Don't you feel like crying every time you add another disc to your pile of scratched discs. Trashing that disc which contained your favorite songs, pics, files, games or videos is not easy. Read-on, if you find yourself wishing for a miracle every time your fav CD is scratched: Home Remedy : here's an easy home remedy, which might give you the desired results. Rub a small amount of toothpaste on the scratch and polish the CD with a soft cloth and any petroleum-based polishing solution (like clear shoe polish). Squirt a drop of Brasso and wipe it with a clean cloth.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

(NV.J) Santa gets fired

Santa Singh, woke up after the annual office Diwali bash party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some breakfast in front of him.

'Jaswinder' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an asshole,' Santa Singh said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did,' came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said Santa Singh.

'I did. You're back at work on Monday.'

(NV.J) Toast of the night

Scotsman John was spending his usual night in the pub with his mates. He hoisted his beer up in the air and said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, between the legs o' me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the nigh'!"

Mary raised her eyebrows. "Aye, did ye now! And wha' was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, aye, tha' is very nice indee', John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other nigh' at the pub wi' a toast abou' you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bi' surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I ha' to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

(NV.J) Italian Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The nuns look excitedly at each other. "Oh my!" the first nun says, "I want to go back as Sophia Loren!" Poof! She disappears.
The second nun steps forward. "I want to be Madonna!" she says and - poof! - she's gone too.
It's the turn of the third nun. She can hardly contain herself. "I want to be Sarah Pipalini!" she beams.
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Er...who?" he asks.
"Sarah Pipalini!" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit pocket and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads
the paper and rolls his eyes. He hands it back to her and sighs. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

(J) Meal cooked by Angry Wife

Meal cooked by Angry Wife

(J) New Car

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband..

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband... 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought...

Friday, October 5, 2007

(J) The Lawyer


NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer." This message was sent to you by Akarsha... gone with the wind again ;). To see Akarsha...'s profile click:

Saturday, September 29, 2007

(J) The Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Coffee or the Cup?


A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.


Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.


When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups.

Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Petition - protesting the killing of baby seals

http://www.boycottnamibia.co.za/petition.php

Sign the petition as quickly as possible to protest against the killing of baby seals!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

(J) The millionaire

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

Monday, September 10, 2007

Sir. Dhiraj

How to I start? Okay, I'll intro Sir. Dhiraj..

Sir. Dhiraj is my economics professor at college.. He's a really really nice teacher! He's really good with students and he's great at teaching eco - that's IF you listen to what he says.. The only problem is, everyone takes advantage of his sweetness.

Sir. Dhiraj will give you attendance when you need it, he will cover for you or stand up for you, even if he gets blamed for everything, and he'll let you talk quietly or even use your cellphone when it's banned in college.

Today there was this big fight between Miss. Sumedha Kamat, the Konkani teacher and Sir. Dhiraj.. Actually the matter was - These too guys named Hassler and Abhishek were making so much noise in her class, she told them to shut up if they don't wanna pay attention, or get out of her class and that she'd give them attendence. So they did! And now she denies that she told them that she'd give them attendance! The witnesses? - whole class! So soem of the guys went and complained to Dhiraj, and he just asked her about the matter and she fired him off! :steaming: Well that's one time he got fired for no fault of his..

Another time, about a week back, Sir. Sanjay Naik, the Hindi teacher told Naela not to eat canteen food 'cause she'd get sick. Apparently Amogh went and told Dhiraj this, and instead of firing Amogh, Sanjay Naik went and fired Sir. Dhiraj!

There are many times where I have felt like kicking the guys sitting on the last bench of our class out. They have absolutely no respect for Sir. When everybody else wants to concentrate, these guys will be playing with their cells! :pissedoff: It's so PISSING OFF!!!! And h can't do anything about this. Even if he wants to give a remark, he won't, coz he cosiders students to be his friends..

My question is, if you were in his place, would you prefer maintaining a good relationship with your students, or would you rather teach as a teacher only (not as a friend) and leave class? Either your students, or colleagues. What?

Sunday, September 9, 2007

(J) Ticket

Once a lady wearing a saree boarded a bus.

The conductor gave her a ticket of Rs 4.

Next day she wore a mini skirt, she got a ticket of Rs 2.

Next day she didn't need to buy a ticket! why?

Scroll down for the answer.....











What were you thinking of, you dirty mind

She had a bus pass.

Friday, September 7, 2007

(J) The Cabbie


A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom,"said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They 're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

(J) Oops!!

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 50,000?"

The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?"

Friday, August 31, 2007

Indians, I beg you to read this

Dear Sir/Madam,

I beg you to spare 5 minutes from your busy schedule to read this, the plea of a bereaved but proud father. My son, Lt. Saurabh Kalia of the 4 JAT Regiment of the Indian Army laid down his life at the young age of 22 for the nation while guarding the frontiers at Kargil.


We, his parents, the Indian Army and indeed, the nation itself, lost a dedicated, honest and brave son. He was the first officer to detect and inform his superiors about the Pakistani intrusion. Pakistan captured him and his patrol party of 5 brave men alive on May 15, 1999 from the Indian side of the LOC. They were kept in captivity for 3 weeks and
subjected to unprecedented and brutal torture, evident from their bodies, which were handed over by the Pakistan Army on June 9, 1999.

While trying to extract information, the Pakistanis had indulged in dastardly acts with these Indian officers - inflicting cigarette burns on their bodies, piercing their ears with hot rods, puncturing and gouging out their eyes and breaking most of their bones and teeth. Some of the boys' limbs and private organs had been chopped off.

After 22 days of unimaginable physical and mental torture, the brave soldiers were summarily shot dead. A detailed post-mortem report is with the Indian Army. Pakistan dared to humiliate India this way, flouting all international norms and proving to what extent they could go to degrade humanity. However, the Indian soldiers did not break while undergoing this incredible barbarism, which speaks volumes for their patriotism, grit, determination, tenacity and valour - something all of India should be proud of.

Sacrificing oneself for the nation is an honour every soldier would be proud of, but no parent, army or nation can accept what happened to these brave sons of India. I am afraid every parent may now think twice before sending their child with pride into the armed forces if we all fall short of our duty in safeguarding the rights of prisoners of war and let them meet the fate of my son Lt. Saurabh Kalia and his comrades.

It may also send a demoralising signal to the army personnel fighting for the nation that our POWs in Pakistan cannot be relatively safe and within the norms of protocol. It is a matter of shame and disgust that most Indian human rights organisations by and large showed apathy in this matter.

Through this humble submission, I appeal to all civilized people irrespective of colour, caste, region, religion and political lineage to rouse their conscience and rise to make this a national issue. International human rights organizations must be approached to expose and pressurise Pakistan to identify, book and punish all those who perpetrated this heinous crime against our men in uniform. If Pakistan is allowed to go unpunished in this case, we can only imagine the consequences.


Yours truly,

Dr. N.K. Kalia (Lt. Saurabh Kalia's father).
Saurabh Nagar,
Palampur 17061,
Himachal Pradesh
Tel: +91 (01894) 32065

Below is the list of 5 other soldiers who preferred to die for the country rather than open their mouths to the enemy:

Sep. Arjun Ram
S/o Sh. Chokka Ram,
Village & PO Gudi,
Teh. & Dist. Nagaur,
Rajasthan

Sep. Bhanwar Lal Bagaria
H/o Smt. Santosh Devi,
Village Sivelara,
Teh.& Dist. Sikar,
Rajasthan

Sep. Bhikaram
H/o Smt. Bhawri Devi,
Village Patasar,
Teh. Pachpatva, Dist.Barmer,
Rajasthan

Sep. Moola Ram
H/o Smt. Rameshwari Devi,
Village Katori,
Teh. Jayal, Dist. Nagaur,
Rajasthan

Sep. Naresh Singh
H/o Smt. Kalpana Devi,
Village Chhoti Tallam,
Teh. Iglab, Dist.Aligarh,
UP

Thursday, August 30, 2007

(J) Nirma


ji , aaiye aaiye. Kaun sa sabun lena pasand karengi. Ye dekhiye ye.. (Someother soap which is not nirma) Deepika(Customer):Nahi Nahi ye nahi woh(pointing at nirma). Shopkeeper:Par aap to woh, purana wala sabun....(stammering) Deepika(Customer):Leti thi, par wahi safedi mujhe kam damo mein mile to koi woh kyun le, ye(nirma) na le! Shopkeeper:Man gaye!! Deepika(Customer):Kise? Shopkeeper:Aapki par ki nazar aur nirma super dono ko !!! Now the song starts... ;-) WASHING POWDER NIRMA WASHING POWDER NIRMA DUDH SE SAFEDI NIRMA SE AAYE RANGEEN KAPDA BHI KHIL KHIL JAYE SABKI PASAND NIRMA WASHING POWDER NIRMA NIRMA....... LOGO KO KUCH BHI BHEJO PADHNE LAG JATE HAIN........ kya yaar kab sudhroge? :D

How to Wash a T-Shirt!

Be Careful when you SMS

Hi,
Be careful when you SMS...

A True Story:

This lady has changed her habit on the hand phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, credit card, purse etc. was stolen.
Twenty minutes later when she called her hubby, telling him what had happened, her hubby says 'I've just received your SMS asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.'
When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to sms 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number.
Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.

Moral of the lesson:

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the person in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mum etc...... and very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru SMS, CONFIRM by calling back.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES AND FRIENDS

(J) Drivers License

The Driver's Licence

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Friday, August 24, 2007

(J) Fishing Trip

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office so I'll just swing by the house to pick my things up…oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

His wife thought this last bit sounded a bit fishy but being the good wife she was, did exactly as he asked. Her husband came by that afternoon and picked up his things, kissed her goodbye and left.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomed him home and asked if he had caught many fish?

He said, "Oh yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. It's quite amazing how rich the rivers are up there. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

(J) Spielberg and the Chinese

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, Von Berg you're all the same."

Monday, August 13, 2007

Important Info. for PC users


This info. is sure to help PC users very much. During a recent visit to an optician, one of my friends was told of an exercise for the eyes by a specialist doctor that he termed as 20-20-20 ." It is apt for all of us, who spend long hours at our desks, looking at the computer screen. I Thought I'd share it with you.

Step I :-
After every 20 minutes of looking into the computer screen, turn your head and try to look at any object placed at least 20 feet away. This changes the focal length of your eyes, a must-do for the tired eyes.

Step II :-
Try and blink your eyes for 20 times in succession, to moisten them.

Step III :-
Time permitting of course, one should walk 20 paces after every 20 minutes of sitting in one particular posture. Helps blood circulation for the entire body. Circulate among your friends if you care for them and their eyes. They say that your eyes are a mirror of your soul, so do take care of them, they are priceless...
Otherwise our eye would be like the picture above!

Friday, August 10, 2007

(J) Hooligan Hijinx


A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

Friday, August 3, 2007

Cute!!



Would you just look at the expression on the "other" little girl's face! That is so adorable!!!

(J) Income Tax Returns


Dear Friends,
As you struggle through the various pages and sections of the Income Tax returns, here's a truly SARAL form that the FinMin has devised which makes it all so simple.... take advantage of this.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

(J) Shankar and Priya

This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She has a boy friend named Shankar. Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone. You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost.

She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya's family knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family. (just imagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone" she also said the same thing to her parents.

After her death, people cant carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here".Then her friends told Darin about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. after that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. (can u feel the fear. I'm shaking at this moment)

Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom. Shankar :...."Atte, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home today, i wanna surprise her." Her mother replied....."You come home first, i wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they told him the truth about Priya.

Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her Stop this nonsense". then they show him the original death certificate to him. They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) ..
He said... "Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from Priya, see this..." he showed the phone to priya's family. Al of them told him to answer using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation.
Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed inside the coffin they were so shocked and asked for pak Darin's help again. pak Darin brought his master (tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

HUTCH has the best coverage wherever you go, our network follows!!!!
Promotion offer from HUTCH.... forward this to your friends and get a FREE roaming package even in the Heaven.

NOTE : The roaming package in HELL is yet to be activated.We regret the inconvenience caused to the HELL customers.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Atheist in the woods


An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.

He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."