I'm a Goan woman, working in Mumbai as the founder of a studio called Totem Creative. I try to make the world happier, safer and more meaningful. I believe education, knowledge and awareness, art, writing and creating Social Impact are my means to achieve that end.



Thursday, May 31, 2007

(J) Men's stall!


A man walked into the men's restroom at the airport and was barely sitting down to do his business when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

Not being the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, he hesitated, but answered somewhat awkwardly, "Er…doin' just fine…thanks…"

To his surprise, the other guy said, "So what are you up to?"

'What kind of question is that?' the man thought. 'Bizarre!' But still being polite, he replied, "Uh, I'm…I'm like you, just travelling!"

"That's nice", the guy said. "But it sounded like you have a problem there."

The man held his breath in embarrassment. "No, no…I'm fine, thanks."

It was getting too creepy for him now, so he tried to hurry and finish up so he could get out, but he was amazed to hear the voice ask, "Can I join you?"

'Ok', the man thought really annoyed, 'this is just too weird!' He called back sharply, "No! I'm a little busy right now!"

There was a moment's hesitation, then he heard the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

(J) Musharaf, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia



Musharaf, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are travelling in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a
kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and
Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.
Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All
of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:
These Pakistani are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharaf must have tried to kiss
her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:
Musharaf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Musharaf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya.
She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and
slap Musharaf again ...JAI HIND...

(J) Dead Man's letter

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... ..

somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives

and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.

I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was .........

(J) The Gambler

An income tax officer decides to audit a businessman, Zimmerman, and summons him to the income tax office.

The officer is not surprised when Zimmerman shows up with his attorney, Capwell.

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you won money gambling. I'm not sure the income tax department finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!" says Zimmerman. "How about a demonstration?"

The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Zimmerman says, "I'll bet you ten thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Zimmerman plucks out his glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops.

Zimmerman says, "Now I'll bet you twenty thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The officer can tell Zimmerman isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Zimmerman flips out his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realizes he has wagered and lost thirty thousand dollars, with Capwell as a witness. Now he's nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Zimmerman asks. "I'll bet you sixty thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way the guy can manage this stunt, so he agrees again.

Zimmerman stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Capwell, the attorney, moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the officer asks.

"Not really," says Capwell. "This morning, when Zimmerman told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me a hundred thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

(J) Mother comes to Dinner

One weekend, Kumar's mom came to visit her son.
Kumar lived with a girl roommate, Sunita. At dinner, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Sunita was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she began to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking mom, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar looking a little embarrassed. "Kumar, ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

Thank you for coming over and spending last weekend with us. By the way…I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate… but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar

The next day, Kumar received an email from his mother which read:

Dear son,

Thank you for having me over last weekend, I enjoyed myself. I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love,
Mom

(J) The Arab's Blood

A rich Arab was admitted to the Lilavati Hospital in Mumbai for a heart transplant. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case need arose. As the Arab had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati in gratitude a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, Lapis Lazuli jewellery and $100,000.

A year later, the Arab had to undergo corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati, who was more than happy to donate blood again to the Arab.

After the corrective surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a Thank You card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the second time the Arab did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him why this time he had sent him only a

Thank You card and Almond sweets.

To this, the Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins."

(J) Smart Game!!

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, ?? "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own damn blanket."

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Speeding

Bryan, a rich guy, loved fast cars and he did have a few in his possession. He loved to speed and could not be bothered about breaking speed limits.
Many a times he was caught by the cops and speed radars, fined, but still he never bothered until.

One day as he was driving at a very high speed as usual, he saw a cop following him.
The cop overtook him finally and asked him to stop and checked his license.
He then took out his pad and started Writing, and then handed over the sheet of paper to Bryan.
How much was this one going to cost ?!!!
Wait a minute. What was this???? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket.

Bryan began to read:

"Dear Bryan,
Once upon a time I had a lovely daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver's car. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his three daughters. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven, before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me.. And be careful, Bryan, my son is all I have left."

Bryan turned around in time to see the cop's car pull away and head down the road. He watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle it with care.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the sanctity of life, people think twice about sharing.
Funny, how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you, for sending it to them.

Pass this on, you may save a LIFE !

Never light a candle in an A/C room


NEVER LIGHT A CANDLE IN AN A/C ROOM.

Prevention is Better than cure.. Please read this and pass on...

A friend in our group passed away last week due to
carbon-monoxide poisoning. It happened when she lighted an aroma therapeutic candle for the
night in a room with air-conditioner ON.

Due to lack of oxygen in the room, the burning of the candle cannot
fully oxidize & thus forms dangerous carbon monoxide.

Carbon monoxide will prevent oxygen exchange in the lungs, resulting
in the person dozing off to a state of unconsciousness & eventually death in
less than an hour, depending on the room size.

This email is to make you aware of such danger when lighting aroma
therapeutic candles in any unventilated rooms.

Cuddles



A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company. One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

The Barbeque



It's important to refresh your memory on the sublime etiquette of outdoor cooking, or the Barbecue, as it's the only type of cooking a REAL man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, a chain of events are put into motion.

Here's the routine.

1. The woman buys the food.


2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.

3. The woman trims, marinates and prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5. He accepts the admiring comments and exclamations at this feat.

More routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beer while he deals with the situation. She does.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates of meat, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and sauces, and brings them to the table.


9. After everyone has eaten, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS him for HIS cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'…

…and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Murder through Orkut

A sensational Murder has taken place in India through Orkut in Bombay.

A girl and a guy met in orkut. Usual stuff. They talked with each other, became trusted friends - again usual stuff. Wrote testimonials for one another - again usual stuff.
But wait that's not all.
This Guy then asked the Girl to meet him. And she did. But that was the first and the last meeting.
She was found dead in the hotel room. The guy killed her.

NEVER TRUST OR GIVE PERSONAL INFO TO A STRANGER ON ORKUT...May her Soul Rest in Peace!

The Profile of the Girl:

http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=11725203022944506305

the profile of Boy :

http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=348385650417627297

HERE IS THE LINK TO THE NEWS OF HER MURDER:

http://cities.expressindia.com/fullstory.php?newsid=236701

http://www.ibnlive.com/videos/40709/cops-use-orkut-to-track-murderer.html

http://www.mumbaimirror.com/net/mmpaper.aspx?page=article§id=2&contentid=20070519041713
140200dcf76

Saturday, May 26, 2007

(J) How to tell the sex of a bird


Most people can never tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought a bird's sex had to be determined surgically, or at the very least by a trained ornithologist.
Which of the two birds below is a female?Look closely and see if you can spot her. It can be done, even by someone with limited bird-watching skills.


(J) If you get lost in India

If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and crowd gathers one by one. After some time two fighters disappear and most people in the crowd found that they have either pickpocketed or their chain/ watch or other valuable disappeared. You are in Bihar--Patna

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and then fifth and so on a crowd has gathered, they start arguing about who's right - you are in kolkata.

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on - that's mumbai.

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up - that's Delhi.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that's ahmedabad.

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program. That's Bangalore ...

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that amma doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in - that's chennai.

Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in Hyderabad.

Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in Lucknow, UP....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What's a Blog?


A blog is a personal diary. A daily pulpit. A collaborative space. A political soapbox. A breaking-news outlet. A collection of links. Your own private thoughts. Memos to the world.

Your blog is whatever you want it to be. There are millions of them, in all shapes and sizes, and there are no real rules.

In simple terms, a blog is a web site, where you write stuff on an ongoing basis. New stuff shows up at the top, so your visitors can read what's new. Then they comment on it or link to it or email you. Or not.

Our Lives

Every moring we wake up, thinking of not going to school, but we have no choice but to do it, so we brush our teeth, and go to shit! Quickly pack our stuff, (usually skip breakfast) and leave!
At school we work the whole day and seeing teachers we don't like. After working, we still have to finish tons of work! Everyday, we check the calendar, looking forward to a sunday.. but when sunday comes, we finish all the heaps of HW we get during the weekend. That's our life! :((

OMG!! The largest dog named Hercules!!!


Hercules was recently awarded the honorable distinction of Worlds Biggest Dog by Guinness World Records.

Hercules is an English Mastiff and has a 38 inch neck and weighs 282 pounds.

With "paws the size of softballs" (reports the Boston Herald), the
three-year-old monster is far larger and heavier than his breed's
standard 200lb. limit. Hercules owner Mr. Flynn says that Hercules
weight is natural and not induced by a bizarre diet: "I fed him normal
food and he just grew".... and grew. and grew. and grew.
Hercules: The World's Biggest Dog Ever According to Guinness World Records

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Island of Feelings

The Island of Feelings

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived;
happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going
to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their
boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island
paradise until the last possible moment.

When the island was almost totally under, love decided it was time to
leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness
was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, can I come with you
on your boat?" Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of
silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful
vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you,"
Vanity said, "you are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you."
Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you."
But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me."
It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land, the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because
only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

(J) Smallest resignation letter

Here's the smallest resignation letter! LOL!!

Dear Sir,


I love your wife.


Thank you...


-

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

(J) Hilarious Facts!!!

IF YOU yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

Problem with guys!!

The problems with GUYS:

If u treat him nicely, he says u are in love with him.

If u don't, he says u are proud.

If u dress Nicely, he says u are trying to impress him.

If u don't, he says u are from Kampung.

If u argue with him, he says u are stubborn.

If u keep quiet, he says u have no brains.

If u are smarter than him, he'll lose face.

If he's smarter than u, he is great.

If u don't love him, he tries to posses u.

If u love him, he will try to leave u.(very true huh?)

If u don't make love with him, he says u don't Love him.

If u do!! he says u are cheap.

If u tell him your problem, he says u are troublesome.

If u don't, he says that u don't trust him.

If u scold him, u are like a mom to him.

If he scolds u, it is because he cares for u.

If u break your promise, u cannot be trusted.

If he breaks his, he is forced to do so.

If u smoke, u are bad girl.

If he smokes, he is gentleman.

If u do well in your exams, he says it's luck.

If he does well, it's brains.

If u hurt him, u are cruel.

If he hurts u, u are too sensitive!!

& sooo hard to please!!!!!

If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......

but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

(J) Kisses

Letter from husband (who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart
Your husband

Allen
_______________________________________________

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses

Instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
Some other items....... ....

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

(J) Guess who this is!!







































Sachin Tendulkar
in a college fancy dress competition (look again carefully!!! LOL!!)

(J) Deadly Liners

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no
one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can't give you a job. I don't
need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case. You will see,
I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it
impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

(J) A Dying Wish

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Feck off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

The Girl he Loved


As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me.She was my so-called "best friend". I stared at her long, silkyhair. I wished she were mine, but she didn't notice me like that.And I knew it. After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before, and I handed them to her.She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.

11th Grade

The phone rang. It was her on the other end. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes,wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, a Drew Barrymore movie,and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me,said "thanks," and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.

12th Grade

The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick,"she said. He's not going to go. Well, I didn't have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of
us had dates we would go together just as "best friends," so we did. Prom night after everything was over I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her. She smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said, "I had the best time,thanks!"
and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know
why...

Graduation Day

A day passed. A week passed. A month passed. Before I could
blink,it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine,but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and she cried as I hugged her. Then, she lifted her head from my shoulder and said,"You're my best friend, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek.I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be
just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't
know why…

A Few Years Later

Now, I sit in the pews of the church. She is getting married,
now. I watched her say, "I do" and drive off to her new
life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, "You came!" She said, "thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to
be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...

Funeral

yrs passed, and I looked down at the coffin of the girl who
used to be my best friend." At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he were mine. But he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him. I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love him, but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me…

i wish I did too…
i thought to myself, and I cried.

Nail in the Fence

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
( Most importantly the last sentence )

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

(J) Work

A man wanted a few days off work, but he knew his boss wouldn't allow him leave. So he decided on a novel way to get what he wanted. When his co-worker walked into the office the next morning, she found the man hanging upside down from the ceiling, making funny buzzing noises.

Co-worker: "What are you doing?"

Man: "I'm pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think I'm losing it and give me a few days off."

Before the co-worker could reply, the boss walked in.

Boss: "What are you doing?"

Man (buzzing): "I'm a light bulb."

Boss: "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

The man jumped down and walked out of the office. At once, his co-worker picked up her bag and began to follow him out.

Boss: "And where do you think you're going?"

Co-worker: "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

Saturday, May 12, 2007

(J) Perfect couple


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they
had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding
road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there
is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

(J) Lessons in Logic

Lessons in Logic

............................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.............................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.............................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.............................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.............................................................................

How come "abbreviation" is such a long word?

.............................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.............................................................................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.............................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.............................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.............................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.............................................................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

............................................................ ...............

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.............................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

...............................

Try this!

Try this! It 's dead correct!

Be honest with your answers....this is funny
I don't know how this works... but it does.

Click the link

http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

(J) Recycling

A Sri lankan is calmly having his breakfast when an American,typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Sri lankan ignores the American who begins to chat:

The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?

The Sri lankan: Of course!

The American: We do not. We only eat the soft centre of the bread, the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to Sri lanka .

The Sri lankan makes no comment.

The American continues: Do you eat this Jam with the bread?

The Sri lankan repeats: Of course.

The American: We do not eat Jam . We eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we keep all the peels and seeds in a containers. Later we process it, and transform it into Jam and then we sell it to Sri lanka .

The Sri lankan asks : So, as a matter of interest what do you do with condoms after you use them?

American : We throw them away, of course!

Sri lankan: We do not. We keep them in containers, process them,transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to the United States .

Words women use :)

WORDS WOMEN USE:

FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up

FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

(Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments
they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!!)

(J) Stupid questions

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Story Behind Orkut



A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....

but the gal's name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy


grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20?s, achievement in itself!!.

He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a


software where he could search for his gf through the web..


Things went as planned...


n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years!!


It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a

word with this guy n took over this application,


This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first year,

which we today know as ORKUT .


The guy's name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN . Yes its named after him . Today he

is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He is


expected to b the richest person by 2009.

ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants to monitor his scrapbook & 8 to


monitor his friends-list. He gets around 20,000 friend-requests a day &


about 85,000 scraps!!!

Some other Cool Facts about this guy:


* He gets $12 from Google when every person registers to this website.

*
He also gets $10 when you add somebody as a friend.

*
He gets $8 when your friend's friend adds you as a friend & gets $6 if

anybody adds you as friend in the resulting chain.

*
He gets $5 when you scrap somebody & $4 when somebody scraps you.

*
He also gets $200 for each photograph you upload on Orkut.

*
He gets $2.5 when you add your friend in the crush-list or in the hot-list.

*
He gets $2 when you become somebody's fan.

*
He gets $1.5 when somebody else becomes your fan.

*
He even gets $1 every time you logout of Orkut.

*
He gets $0.5 every time you just change your profile-photograph.

*
He also gets $0.5 every time you read your friend's scrap-book & $0.5 every time
you view your friend's friend-list.

(J) Machine Talk

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology is, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Available in Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Available in Aisle 7).
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

(J) Heights


1. What is height of Fashion?

A. Dhoti with a zip .

************

2. What is height of Secrecy?

A. Offering blank visiting cards.

************

3. What is height of Active laziness?

A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

************

4. What is height of Craziness?

A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

************

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?

A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

************

6. What is height of Stupidity?

A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

************

7. What is height of Honesty?

A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

************

8. What is height of Suicide?

A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

************

9. What is height of De-hydration?

A. A cow giving milk powder.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

(J) Science Vs. Commonsense

Harry went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed,
I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Harry.

Six months later the doctor met Harry on the street."Why didn't you ever
come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"