I'm a Goan girl, working in Mumbai as the founder of a creative agency called Totem Creative. I try to make the world happier, safer and more meaningful. I believe education, knowledge and awareness, art, writing and creating Social Impact are my means to achieve that end.

I love Animals, Nature, Art, Relationships, Sports, Technology and Stories.

-

Saturday, December 13, 2008

(J) LOL! Careers in Pakistan

AOL Email

Careers in Pakistan

If we were in Pakistan, our options for professional courses after High School

would be as follows :

JEE - Jehadist Entrance Examination

IIT - Islamic Institute of Terrorism

IIM - Institute of Infiltration Management

CAT - Career in Alqaida & Taliban

IAS - Iraq after Saddam

M Tech - Masters in Terror Technology

GATE - General Aptitude in Terror and Extremism

TOEFL - Test of Extremist Foreign Languages

GRE - Graduate in Relocation Extremism

MBBS - Master of Bomb Blasting Strategies

MBA - Master of Bombing Administration

Thursday, November 20, 2008

(J) Doctor's Office

A man arrives at a doctor's surgery complaining of serious back pain. The doctor helps him lie down on the examining table him and asks, "How did this happen?"

"Well," the man says, "I work for a local night club. This morning I got back to my apartment earlier than usual, but as soon as I opened the door I heard a noise in my bedroom.

I ran in. The balcony door was open. I just knew someone had been with my wife. I rushed out the balcony door but there was no one there. Then I looked down and saw a half-naked man running out dressing himself. I grabbed the mini-fridge in the bedroom and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back."

The doctor sympathised, gave him a prescription and sent him off.

A second patient arrived, looking as if he'd been in a car wreck. "Goodness!" the doctor said. "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "I've been out of a job for the last six months, doc. I just got a new job yesterday and today was my first day. I forgot to set my alarm. I didn't want to be late, so I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and believe it or not - a fridge fell on me!"

"Ah," said the doctor. "That explains it." He gave the unfortunate man a prescription and sent him off.

A third patient arrived. He looked shaken and bruised and had several large bumps on his head. The doctor examined them. "These are rather severe!" he said. "What the hell happened?"

"Well, I was sitting in this fridge, and someone threw it from the third floor…"

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Scrap 4

Finally there was a day I ACTUALLY worked. For two whole days I stayed back in college to finish all my backlogs. It felt so good to be done with all your work, yet so tiring, that you dream of a body massage before sleeping. My irritation with Nuts hadn't stopped.She pretended like she didn't get it, but I bet she got it all.

Punk and I had a 'confession walk' that night, where we spoke of all the people we hated and all the people we loved. Of all the roomies that we dreamed of having the next year. Tanu joined in later and he was wondering whether he interrupted our conversation.
"I'll miss these walks.. And hostel.. And college.. During our Christmas hols." Punk said.
She really loves this place.. I thought. But things really were getting different. Better, or worse, I did not understand. And this place was getting close to 'home', just as much as I hated to admit it. I had spent just 2 months in M.I.T Institute of Design.

The stupid workers put my shelf from the table to the floor now. And again, to my displeasure, everything was chucked from my table to my bed again. My body was aching from work, and my mind was completely dismantled with stress. I was in no condition to clean it up. Yet there are those times, when you push yourself for some reason. Everyday was a mental stress tester, and it killed me to have it this way. But for once, I slept on my bed being proud of myself. Proud of the fact that I had got myself to work. Moreover, without anyone's help. Hopefully, things were getting better.

One of those tiring days, I went to look for some food in Punk's cupboard. It was far filthier than mine. Clothes poured out of the drawers the minute the cupboard was opened! I was so disgusted!
"EW!!! SICK DUDE YOU'RE SO DAMN HORRIBLY GROSS!!!" I yelled in horror.
"What?" she asked, without even turning her head to look at my face scowling in sheer disgust.
Punk's room was far filthier than mine. Her bed had layers of objects on it and her paints, pallets, brushes and assignments were all scattered over her shelf, which was now a dressing table. Somehow I shifted things on her bed and parked my ass in between.
"If you don't clean this by tomorrow morning then I'm getting a cold coffee in the canteen from you." I stated.
She exchanged an annoyed look and continued the conversation. It was beyond my understanding how she could live in that filth. I was graciously offered some sweet bakery biscuits by her. Yes, those too, were found with great difficulty for obvious reasons, and the conversations continued while we ate.

A few minutes later I was lying on my bed, writing my journal, when Punk came in and said, "Listen - I didn't clean it."
"Oh!" I laughed cynically. "I hope you've saved 20 bucks for my cold coffee." I said.
Punk's face dropped and she ran off to clean it, forgetting about our bed.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Scrap 3


We were called to the O.H.P room the next day for a presentation. Punk called me to sit in the front, so I joined her.
"Not there ya!" Tanu shouted, already picking a chair behind. "What if I sleep?" he asked.
"I'll wake you up." I said, partially confident of my words.
The hustle just didn't stop. Students kept coming in every 5 minutes, disturbing professor Arvind. "I think I'll just lock this," he said, walking towards the door, exptending his hand to the doorlock. "So that noone can come in, and noone can go out." he stated.
He started his intro on the presentation on visual language.
Punk, typically, immediately started jotting down every word he was saying like a Hermione.
Surprisingly, I fell asleep instead of Tanu!
"Those who are sleeping please wake up!" sir hinted. Someone shook my chair and these was a little hustle. A few hours later the class was half asleep, and sir just went on with his presentation. "Please stop me if you don't understand 'cause you have to make compositions on these topics and laws of Gestault." he said, loudly.
The end of that line made every talk loudly and get back to their normal self and wake up. There was some mumbling and then every was back awake.

Scrap 2

Punk ran from the bathroom to make it in time for lunch. It was 1:45 and the mess would close in 15 minutes. As she passed by my corridor I stuck my head out the window and screamed, "Madam! I'm waiting for you only! Hurry up!"
By that time she was in her room changing. Punk can be so fast.. I strapped on my watch. I hated to lose track of time. Especially since the time lost the cellphone.

"Eat fast!" she said, as I disgustingly swallowed the horrible mess' bhindi bhaji. "Train choot rahi hai kya?" I asked. She sighed with the guilt of being such a workaholic. When we reached the hostel she ran in with a brown package in her hand. "Eat this when you're REALLY depressed." she said. It was dark chocolate! Moreover, it was homemade. I was suddenly high and felt encouraged to work just by looking at it. Punk was in a hurry. She was going to college. On a Sunday! She wanted to finish her clay and P.O.P (Plaster of Paris) cube out there.

The following evening went pretty lazy, as it should have been on a Sunday. Nuts was getting crabby with her cough, and I was in a very teasy mood. Nuts coughed like she was choking.
"Cuhff cuhff! cuff cuff!!" I imitated.
"Ha ha. So funny." she said, removing something from her cupboard.
I was rolling on my bed, laughing at my own pathetic joke.
"Why do you think I'm laughing so much?" I replied.
I started rendering my 10 sketches, which were supposed to be submitted a week back. Pathetic. All just pathetic.

That night, Tanu, Nuts and I walked our usual path outside the mess. A short line or two about work was said. Obviously none of us were happy with all that we'd finished.
Later as we reached hostel (a place I now call 'home'), Nuts wanted me to teach her some geometry. But as I cleaned some stuff, she felt adventurous to ask for my Rollerblades. She washed her feet and tried them on, and fell to the floor minutes later, laughing at the thought of me going in my pyjamas and bathroom slippers to the mess. Maybe a few years later we'd talk of these times that we had in hostel, and how it was. If there WOULD be a 10 years..

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Scrap

Punk was worrying about going to Hadapsar when we had some much more work to do.. She had to get her passport snaps clicked and there's no civilization around us.
Days passed, but the workload never became less. It only increased, and we just had to keep working day and night. Occasionally I strummed on my guitar n got the song 'Broken' by Seether (Feat Amy Lee) right. I was so glad.. Playing the guitar got rid of some of my huge amount of stress. Each day got depressing, and we just slogged and slogged.
The faculty kept on pushing our patience. It was mental torture to even think of the work that we had to submit. Deadlines turned shorter, and life seemed pointless to me. Punk and I individually got thoughts, that maybe we both weren't even made for design. I kept on dreading that my future would go to the dogs and I would be chucked out of college for all my late submissions.
Even though we had so much to talk about, Punk and I silently kept our thoughts to ourselves.

A few days later we watched a movie with the film club. The club showed some brilliant movies which had a social meaning to them. Punk and I just became members that day, and the movie was kept as suspense. Usually the club put up notices of the name of the movie that they were screening. When I went to the canteen with Tanveer that day, the notice just read:"BE THERE!"
Everyone was eager to know the name of the movie that was screening. It was 'The Dead Poet's Society', starring Robin Williams! Most of us hadn't watched the movie but Raina had told me that it's a 'must watch'.
The movie was brilliant, and it mad us think a lot.. About our lives. About proper expense of time. About what we doing with our lives.
That night Punk and I confessed our worries about staying in the institute. Whether we deserved to study here. I don't know what made her say all this, 'cause actually she's way ahead of me. I'm the lazy, bored one who's not hardworking. She started getting homesick again, 'cause she realised she had chilled and watched a movie after a looooong time.

I decided things should get better. I decided I wouldn't care anymore, whether I'm submitting stuff on time or not. Cause all I got in turn was a lot of depression and aghony. So I finally made fun of the fact that I had too much work left to complete.
It's so easy to give up. But for me, it was harder than I thought.

Water

Seems like the purest thing around. Punk just offered me her bottle..
"Kal ka hai..Chalega?" she said.
"Duh!" I said.
I think water lasts for days n days n it'll still taste the same.. it's the one thing that can hardly get stale.
Have you ever played a vigorous sport, and felt really really thirsty. I did once, and someone offered me coke, after a game of basketball. But coke and other drinks can never get rid of your thirst, like water can. Water's the best! :)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

(J) Jackass!

Guys this is HILARIOUS!! Make sure you read this! - Nikhita
___________________________________________________________

Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh! - Anita
___________________________________________________________

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice, "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

It didn't end here though.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.

I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialler. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be, so I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."


"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt!"

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street, and I was set.


I hurried out, climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news

ROFL!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed my ass off after reading this!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahhaah!!!!!!! this guys my role model!! Got a great sense of humour! Really witty!! n SUPER smart!!! =))!! In the comp lab right now n some people have turned their heads thinking I'm crazy!! LOL!!!!!!!!

Just putting up the post now.. The one I've been laughing about!! Hope you guys have fun reading!!!

Rupert - The baby deer


Little Rupert, who is so small he can fit in an adult's hand, was born after vets failed in their battle to save his mother. This tiny deer was delivered by Caesarean section at a wildlife hospital after his mother was killed by a car.

At just six inches tall and weighing just over a pound, he is now in an incubator in the intensive care unit at Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire. He has only recently opened his eyes.

Les Stocker, founder of Tiggywinkles, said: 'Rupert's mother had very severe injuries. We brought him out and got him breathing and then he went into an incubator on oxygen. He is now being fed by a tube.'
Staff are optimistic Rupert, now five days old, will make a full recovery.
'Deer are very, very tricky but this one has spirit. He's an extremely feisty little guy and quite pushy,' Mr. Stocker said.








Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Last Bite

Have you ever eaten something forcibly and then pushed yourself to such a limit that you can't eat the last bite? That's what this short blog's about.

Sometimes you have these amazing meals.. Heavy, but AMAZING! Like LASAGNA!!! Now who doesn't like good ol' garfy lasagna? But then sometimes it gets so heavy, that you eat n eat n eat n eat n eat n.. Well.. You get the point..
Today morning at the mess, I had SO much upma. N then I thought I could definitely finish all of it.. So I ate n ate n every spoon became such a task for me. I just gulped.. My speed decreasing every minute. Tanu watched a few times, but didn't notice any change in my appetite. Finally it all came down to that one last bite. *Urgh.* I thought.. I looked at it apathetically.. "I can't eat this" I sighed. Tanu raised and eyebrow n said, "It's only the last bite, no biggie!"
But it wasn't the last bite for me. I had been struggling to finish it off since ages, n maybe the previous 10 bites were my 'last bites'!
He seemed pretty clueless after I explained all this to him. Do guys know what I'm talking about?
The next time, try overserving yourself and then forcing the extra servings down your throat till you can't take it no more!

Pankti's Mood-o-metre



Ref:

  • Red: High and Abnormally Retarded
  • Blue: Feeling Low
  • Anything near the line: Bored/Sleepy

Thursday, October 30, 2008

An Incident

"EAT SHIT!!" he screamed.
"Eat shit balls!" Darren replied.
He was SO pissed off, and so was I. Little did we know that it would create such commotion.

It was the 28th Oct, and I hadn't given my old friends a treat coz I was in hostel during my birthday.. So we'd gone to Dominoes for dinner that night.. After an amazing day and a good conversation over a good dinner, the five of us left Dominoes at 11pm.

We were standing over the tiles that lay over the drains across the road.. There was a 95 degree turn from Panjim church to Hotel Rajdhani, were a red car was driving at 60. We were busy talking about old days, and stood right at the corner very close to the pavement. The man had at least 4 metre space to turn.
Since the jerk was driving at 60, he felt insecure about turning, and honked at us loudly just when he was about 2 metres away from us.
"ASSHOLE!" I screamed. I was SO pissed off!!
His son, sitting on the front seat, a boy of maybe 14 screamed "eat shit" to us, and Darren replied in fury.

The man abruptly stopped with a jerk after taking the turn (n almost knocking us down) just to show how mad he was. he stepped out from the car, his wife sitting behind shouting how disrespectful we are (when her own son sat in the front seat shouting curses).

There was a HUGE argument over who was right n who was wrong between the five of us and three of them. We were not even standing on the middle of the road, and this ass started talking about how shameless we are being teens n hanging out LAAATE at night (11pm) on the road! That was none of his business, and ti was totally not related to this incident. The lady behind screamed out curses at us, and I screamed back. Darren me n Rahul were full-on arguing with the man, who wa sacting like such a dog. Ap n tapple stood behind watching.. Ap joined in a little later too.. We were SO furious! He did nto have to honk so loud and it was his mistake to drive at 60 on a 95 degree turn! X(

Soon many people started coming and a car n 2 bikes were stopped behind the man's car. There was chaos. Some asshole actually took their side! However, most of the people there were siding us coz they knew where we were standing - almost on the pavement! The man started talking about sending us to the cops, and darren told him to go ahead n that we could do the honours for him instead.

A neutral guy finally came n put us apart n told us to stop fighting and go home.. I wanted o make sure the stupid man knows what I'm talking about. I was so pissed my eyes began watering with anger.

Soon people realized it was pointless teaching the asshole and his stupid wife. The traffic cleared n the man left in about half hour.

Moral of the Story, says mum n dad, was:
1) It was their mistake
2) Pointless arguing with someone who doesn't want to listen
3) Losing your temper is losing control of yourself
4) We should've stood on the pavement, not coz it was wrong to stand close to it, but coz others can make mistakes.

I wish for once I could seriously put him, his wife and his bloody disrespectful son behind bars.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Almost my birthday

So it's the 21st and there're a few hours left for midnight.. I pretty much don't care out here coz things have been so rough for me lately n I really don't think it'll be fun.. n all these years spent in goa have totally accostomed me to having fun with friends and family, and more over, enjoying my day.. Come to think of it, it's my eighteenth birthday n it doesn't even feel like it.

I feel like just walking in crowded place, unnoticed and totally to myself, praying no one would notice me, wish me. This place is pretty strange, and with strangers too, who'd just wish you for something in return.. Or probably as a formality.. but that's that, and I've somehow made up my mind not to enjoy myself out here.. =P Coz I'm going home.. the day after, and there, I can be myself. Free, happy, and I can totally enjoy myself.. With the people I love, n the people who care. I'll dream of my driving license, my electoral card, and finally become a major in all my debit/credit cards.. =)

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Bee-Ant

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!" she screamed.
"Dude! Do you know how to kill insects?" asked Namrata.
"OMG no!" I said.

Namu found a HUGE BIG ferocious monstrous looking guy with two BIG compound eyes and wings. A huge red bee-ant landed on her bed and she fearfully went around asking people for help. The person - the 'Terminator', was none other than Poulomi Mehta. Polo came looking lost into room 308, looking around for the dangerous monster, n there it was, staring at poor Namu with its huge eyes as she squealed in sheer terror.

"EEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!! Kill the damn thing, just kill it!" she screamed to Polo, who went around looking for a pair of slippers. She smashed the pair on the bug, but it flew n landed on Namu's pillow. Namu squealed even louder as Polo frantically tried to crush the flying bee-ant.
"Dude squish it dude! Please!!"
"Arrey it's flying everywhere!"
"Gimme a tissue or paper n put it on the bug, I'll sit on the damn thing!!" she screeched.


I, peacefully working in my cubicle roared with laughter at the chaos. Name came up with innovative ideas to grotesquely kill the creature.
"Dude it's not dying only!" said Polo after smashing slippers on the bug a million times.
"KILL IT NOW!!" she screamed.
She went off looking for Neelam, who was cluless about the disastrous situation in namu's cubicle. She found here outside on the phone.
"No! Don’t use them, not my Nike's!" she said.
Namu picked up the choicest shoes of the lot - ones that looked capable enough for the murder. She handed it to Polo, who bravely smashed it on the bug - one of her last desperate attempts to help Namu get rid of it. Namu squealed and ran out of the room, and the bug flew from her bed, to Neelam's pillow.
"Don’t squish it! I'll be sleeping on that tonight!" she yelled.
"I'll give you anything Neelam please!! A new pillow-case, bed sheet, anything! Just kill the fucking insect!" she howled.
"No! My pillow!!"
"Bitch! The thing is killing me mentally dude!"

So now the fate of the creature lay in Neelam's hand. She made her decision. Neelam's gathered her osho n floater and pressed the bee-ant on her bed sheet.
"Dude if this fucking thing doesn't die RIGHT now I'm giving it to the laundry n it can drown there n die bloody!" she planned.
The bug, under high pressure, was flattened like a Chapatti and its inner fluids penetrated through the thin fibers of the bed sheet’s threads. Neelam's face distorted in disgust and she felt victory.

The bug was washed off in the dirty MIT Girls Hostel bathroom, where it landed in the drains. And 'course, the bed sheet in the laundry. And that was the end, of the big monstrous red colored bee-ant, who was, as we all know, just out there. Minding his own business.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Memories

Logging on after hotmail after 3 years now, and I'm feeling so nostalgic.. Those talks with special friends n getting attatched to people I didn't know, stuff to share about daily things happening to me. But no more... I miss the DA, the people in it, how I'd sneak online late at night when mum din allow me to surf coz of boards.. n chatting with el, fawkes, bro.. N all the thigns that happened then.. Serious things, that changed my life in so many ways I can't even repeat. I'm so glad to have those memories. And ways to repoduce them right now.. Certain smells, certain words.Miss those times, those people, who're hardly a part of my life anymore.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Attention

If you have a function/party at your home and if there is excess food
available at the end, don't hesitate to call 1098 (only in India) -
child helpline. They will come and collect the food. Please circulate
this message which can help feed many children. PLEASE, DON'T BREAK
THIS CHAIN, "Helping hands are better than Praying Lips"

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Fast Food Renaissance‏

After a short visit to the united States, Michelangelo's David returns to Italy..


Proud sponsors:







Night Classes

At a building site, two blue collar workers, Jack and Ray were chatting.

Jack: Ray, I've been attending night classes for five months now and I have an exam next week.

Ray: Oh…well, how's that going for you?

Jack: Great! I'm learning all this cool stuff! For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?

Ray: No.

Jack: He invented the telephone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know that.

Ray: Oh…that's pretty cool I guess.


The next day, Jack hailed Ray at the site again.

Jack: Hey Ray, do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Ray: No.

Jack: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. You know, if you took night classes like me, you'd know that.

Ray frowned in annoyance but said nothing.


The next day, Jack came up to Ray again.

Jack: Hey Ray! Do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Ray: No!

Jack: He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you took those night classes, you'd know that.

Ray had had enough. He straightened up and turned to Jack.

Ray: Hey Jack! Do you know who Danny Barton is?
Jack: No.

Ray: He's the guy screwing your wife. If you didn't take those night classes, you'd know that.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Communication Gap

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Priest VS Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in goggles, a loud t-shirt, mud- spattered jeans and a daring attitude.

Saint Peter addresses the cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Desai, retired Indian Airlines Pilot from New Delhi'.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

The pilot enters heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena, California, for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' OK, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?'

'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed'.

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names 'cocktails' and 'highballs'. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of 'Mount 'n Do'.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

How To Save a Wet Phone

1. Get it out of the water as soon as possible. The plastic covers on cell phones are fairly tight, but water can enter the phone in a short period of time, perhaps only 20 seconds or less. So grab your phone quickly! If you can't get to it in time, your best bet is to remove the battery while it is still under water. Water helps dissipate heat from shorts that can damage the phone, so most damage occurs when the inside of the phone is merely wet and there is a power source.

2. Remove the battery. This is one of the most important steps. Don't take time to think about it; electricity and water do not mix. Cutting power to your phone is a crucial first step in saving it. Many circuits inside the phone will survive immersion in water provided they are not attached to a power source when wet.

3. If you have a GSM carrier, remove your SIM card. Some or all of your valuable contacts (along with other data) could be stored on your SIM. To some people this could be more worth saving than the phone itself. SIM cards survive water damage well, but some of the following steps are unnecessary i.e. don't heat it. Just pat it dry and leave it aside until you need to connect your phone to your cellular network. (This step does not apply to CDMA carriers such as Verizon, Alltel, US Cellular, Sprint, etc.)

4. Dry your phone. Obviously you need to remove as much of the water as soon as possible, so you can save it from getting into the phone. Shake it out without dropping it, then use a towel or paper towel to gently remove as much of the remaining water as possible. Dry the excess moisture by hand.

5. Remove any covers and external connectors to open up as many gaps, slots, and crevices in the phone as possible.

6. Use a vacuum if possible. Do not use a hair dryer (even on a "cool" mode) to dry out the phone, as this may force moisture further into the small components, deep inside the phone. If moisture is driven deeper inside, corrosion and oxidation may result when minerals from liquids are deposited on the circuitry. Using a hairdryer might be a temporary fix, but this will eventually cause component failure inside the phone. Instead, remove all residual moisture by drawing it away with a vacuum cleaner held over the affected areas for up to 20 minutes in each accessible area. This is the fastest method and can completely dry out your phone and get it working in thirty minutes. Be careful not to hold the vacuum too close to the phone, as a vacuum can create static electricity, which is even worse.

7. Use a substance with a high affinity for water to help draw out moisture. Leave the phone in a bowl or bag of uncooked rice overnight. The rice would absorb any remaining moisture. If available, it is preferable to use desiccant instead. Desiccant will absorb moisture better than rice. It may be found under a brand name such as "Damp Rid" or "Dry Right".

8. Let the phone sit on absorbent towels, napkin, or other paper. Remember that the goal is to evacuate all the moisture and humidity, not to trap it or add even more. Check the absorbent material every hour for 4 to 6 hours. If moisture is evident, repeat the vacuuming step and desiccant steps.

9. Test your phone. After you have waited a day or so, make sure everything is clean and dry looking and re-attach the battery to the phone and see if it works. If your phone does not work, try plugging it into its charger without the battery, if this works, you need a new battery. If not, try taking your cell phone to an authorized dealer. Sometimes they can fix it. Don't try to hide the fact that it has been wet. There are internal indicators that prove moisture.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Three mistakes of - A Roadtrip?


We saw the signboard, and went straight ahead...The turn would go back to Porvorim, my place. We were in Calangute now, and skipped the correct turn accidentally.. And there there was a junction, a fork. The left road went to the highway to Porvorim.. Course, Ap and I couldn't go.. We didn't carry a helmet, and the cops would fine us. Supri could on her bike, she had one.. But she was coming along our way. And Pris and Aakash, riding at 5 km/hr lagged somewhere far behind.
""WHAT??!! You guys are still there??" screamed Supri.
We had gone for a short roadtrip from Betim to Aguada Fort, just coz Ap had returned to visit Goa from Pune. He was homesick, and we all wanted to go somewhere further than silly-ol' Panaji.


As we stopped near the signboard, we called them asking where they'd reached. So here we were, making the first mistake. We turned right. It wasn't a wrong decision - just that it would go to Betim and you wouldn't need a helmet that way coz it wasn't the highway. Ap argued, saying that there wouldn't be cops at that time. It was 7:30 I guess.. So we went that way, and we passed by all the roads that we already took from Aguada.. Supri got freaked, thinking we were running in circles.

I waited for the turn to Betim to come, it was further ahead.. But Ap noticed another turn, one we hadn't taken before. Another signboard to it said "Panaji", so Ap convinced us to take it. That was the second mistake of the mix-up. We took the turn, and rode for maybe 2 kms. The road just went on and on. We asked someone on the whether it went to Panaji, and they said yes. So we continued. There came many junctions, where we asked the people the direction for Betim. By now Supri was freaking out on her Access 125, and Ap and I rode on the Dio, hoping we were on the right track. Supri kept confirming with us, she didn't want a wrong lane. Ap re-assured her saying this was a short-cut going to Betim.. BIG lie.. Ap's a master at lying. Poor scared Supri partially fell for it, but I didn't want her to misconceive so I told her it went to Betim, but it wasn't a short-cut. "It would be so much fun if we got lost on our way tomorrow eh??!! :D" Supri had said last night on the phone. I teased her about it, making the tension decrease. Ap skipped over from my bike to hers, hoping she'd feel better having company to ride. I suggested it, knowing the fear she was feeling. I hated to admit it. We were getting lost. We landed near a narrow road, dark and deserted. A man at the previous junction told us to take this road to head home. Where were we?? And why were we here? We discussed and regretted our earlier mistakes, playing the 'blame game'. I asked a guy whether it went to Porvorim/Betim. He said it was an inner route, but it would get there eventually if we just went straight. So we did..

At this point of time I was completely scared.. There were absolutely NO street lights, and the road was completely deserted. There was NO civilization here man!!! Fear can really get you when you're alone. All this time Ap was on the bike with me, so I felt fearless, but a sudden panic grew inside of me. I calmed myself, telling myself that I'd have to be the smart re-assuring-fearless-friend to Supri and Ap. Yes, he was beginning to freak out too. I missed my bike - Kia. I secretly labelled Ap's bike Leo, and spoke to him along the way, feeling a little more courageous. We kept moving straight, as the man said, even with all the church-landmarks and turns. I was going purely by instinct. One the other bike, Supri and Ap gave me looks of fear-filled doubt, and I returned an assuring look, even though I was shaking in the knees.

Finally we came to a road where there were lights and houses... "CIVILIZATIIOOOONNNN!!!!!" I screamed, and we exchanged grateful looks. The road ended near the temple in Betim. "Smile please!!" I said to Supri, as she wore a HUGE 32-teeth-wide smile, with Ap speeding ahead happily, knowing my place wasn't far off.

When we got home, Ap and I had orange juice, and Supri washed her face. "Some Vodka with that? It's called a screwdriver" I joked, as he sipped his juice. "Screwdriver? Lol!" said Supri, playing with my dog.
"Why yes please" he said, smiling. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Seriously!"
"WHAT? No. For what? Getting lost?"
"No! I just wanna - "
"NO!" I said.
"You guys serious??" asked Supri.
"Yeah!" said Ap
"NO!"
Yeah, he was. So I added 3 teaspoons of tripple distilled vodka to his glass, and Supro tasted 2 spoonfulls too. I got tempted and tried a teaspoon. And we celebrated over this 'adventure'. That's if you've taken it positively!

So that was the story.. And now I've had a fresh shower and ordered a non-veg extravaganza and pepperoni and cheese pizza from Dominoes.. You see, I've got a 'buy-one-get-one-free' offer coupon. How, might be another long story, so maybe some other time? Coz my pizzas await me.

Are you wondering what the third mistake was? Hell knows, maybe me making my friends Alcoholics! Lol! ;)



Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Right Answer

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table – 'Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love you!'

Totally bewildered by the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waiting for him.

His son is at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. "Son," he says, "what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and why's this big breakfast on the table waiting for me? Shouldn't I be having a huge quarrel with your mother right now?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom did drag you to the bedroom, but when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we wuz friends.'

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Love Dress

A mother stopped by un-announced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch...totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she gasped.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," her daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law squawked.

"This is my love dress,' her daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

Her daughter-in-law smiled.

"Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law shut her mouth abruptly and left.



When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights. She put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Why Design


Since when i was young, I've loved to draw and paint pictures. Most people would say I carried the genes, and some just appreciated. I've always loved art since I was a child, and come to think of it, always will. And that's why I want to be a designer.

Design is not just a hobby for me. It's my passion, my fuel. It was in std.10 that I'd finally made up my mind. I wanted to make it my career because its something I'll never be bored of. I've had a mind that never sleeps. I'm always thinking about something or the other, and most of the time, I'm unrealistic. That's where design comes in. Design and art is an outlet for my thoughts. It is easy to draw when you know whar to, not how to. I've always observed the smallest of things, and appreciated the beauty of it. There are not only black and whites in design, but also the greys.

When I was young I'd often get discouraged by seeing an adult's version of the image I drew. It would be so perfect and flawless. And mine - shabby, smudgy and ugly. But you know what they say.. Beauty lies even in imperfections. When i draw now, and I see a child's drawing, I figure more expressions and imaginations into it than mine. I'm always imagining things though. My thoughts are mostly influenced by the books I read, or the TV shows I watch. I have always been a major walt disney fan, and it seemed almost abnormal to be one when all your classmates think its childish. I've always been fascinated by animation, and the characters in animated films. How such a realistic touch is given to portray emotions and actions. I got myself to learn a little of it by learning Flash MX, and it was a lot of fun! :)

Sometimes in college, I'd start scribbling on my books instead of paying attention to the teacher. Once, I actually drew my psychology teacher's face as she was lecturing us, and some of my friends who noticed my drawing were pretty amused.

[drawing link]

Thats when they started asking for small favours and made me do the odd jobs. I've designed tattoos for a friend's bike, painted a design on another friends guitar, glass painted a window panel for my friend's new house, etc. It's been a lot of fun. However, I'm still SO confused whether I'd like to do animation or graphic design. it's beena fun ride, and that's why I don't want it to end! I gather from this, that I am truly fit to learn design, and make it my profession.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

In God's Name

In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right
opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to
block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his
business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a
few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the
ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the
brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church
through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the
destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or
means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or
any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case
made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing
and commented:

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and we
have an entire church that doesn't.'

The 3 old Ladies

Tillie, Maude and Gertrude were three little old ladies who met at a bench in the nearby park with their dogs every evening where they enjoyed a little bit of sun and gossip before heading home again.

One day, they were sitting on the bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher ran up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Eco Class

How to I start? Okay, I'll intro Sir. Dhiraj..

Sir. Dhiraj is my economics professor at college.. He's a really really nice teacher! He's really good with students and he's great at teaching eco - that's IF you listen to what he says.. The only problem is, everyone takes advantage of his sweetness.

Sir. Dhiraj will give you attendance when you need it, he will cover for you or stand up for you, even if he gets blamed for everything, and he'll let you talk quietly or even use your cellphone when it's banned in college.

Today there was this big fight between Miss. Sumedha Kamat, the Konkani teacher and Sir. Dhiraj.. Actually the matter was - These too guys named Hassler and Abhishek were making so much noise in her class, she told them to shut up if they don't wanna pay attention, or get out of her class and that she'd give them attendence. So they did! And now she denies that she told them that she'd give them attendance! The witnesses? - whole class! So soem of the guys went and complained to Dhiraj, and he just asked her about the matter and she fired him off! :steaming: Well that's one time he got fired for no fault of his..

Another time, about a week back, Sir. Sanjay Naik, the Hindi teacher told Naela not to eat canteen food 'cause she'd get sick. Apparently Amogh went and told Dhiraj this, and instead of firing Amogh, Sanjay Naik went and fired Sir. Dhiraj!

There are many times where I have felt like kicking the guys sitting on the last bench of our class out. They have absolutely no respect for Sir. When everybody else wants to concentrate, these guys will be playing with their cells! :pissedoff: It's so PISSING OFF!!!! :pissedoff: And h can't do anything about this. Even if he wants to give a remark, he won't, coz he cosiders students to be his friends..

My question is, if you were in his place, would you prefer maintaining a good relationship with your students, or would you rather teach as a teacher only (not as a friend) and leave class? Either your students, or colleagues. What?

Love


Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish.
It does not take offense.
It is not resentful.

~
Acknowledgments: A Walk to Remember

My Mottos

If you want it done right, do it yourself.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

Men who don't understand women stand into 2 groups, bachelors and husbands.

Parents start you off on life, and friends get you through it.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive because its illegal to kill.

I'm confused. No wait... Maybe I'm not..

Smoking reduces weight.. (One lung at a time).

Make Poverty History.

xx

Grumpy talks

What'd you do when you've taken time off with great difficulty, and squeezed in time for some friends, and all you have do for 2 hours, is listen to the music you hate the most and listen to talks of the music? AND then suddenly, people who you hardly know well turn up and you don't have anything to talk about n an uncomfortable feeling grabs you?!!

YOU FREAKIN' START TALKIN TO YOURSELF!!!!! :rage:

Honestly!!! You remove your cellphone and types conversations to yourself. That way you're a little more entertained, and feel like you're having a liiiiiiittle fun. :steaming:

Boredom sucks. But you gotta deal with it. :movingon:

Bombay

In Bombay, you need to book an appointment 6 months in advance, so u need to guess when you'll be getting sick.. A sandwich in a mall costs you Rs.60, and a 2 bedroom flat could rip you at 20 crores. The city sleeps after 1 am, and awakes at 5, with fresh vegetables sold on the streets at dirt cheap prices, all from the efforts of the poor farmer, who is burdened with worries of debt. And in the city where the rich live alongside with the poor, their lazy kids gorge on every bit of expensive food that they can afford to buy, much obliged to their well-paid parents. And so in this city dwell all kinds of beings, of all classes and castes, and an unclear segregation between them.

Me

Finally edited my description on facebook and orkut. Here's the intro to me to u deviant users! =P


Hello! =)
There's loads to say about me, but I'll start with this. I've got black hair, like any other indian. Light brown eyes. I have an extremely disgusting artificial voice, and loads of pimples popping up on my face all the time. I'm very straight forward. Stubborn.. =( I love food, photography, art and music. My backbone is freakishly superficial, you could count my vertebra if I bend. Yes, defective, you could call me. :sarcasm: I'm unusually annoying when in an argumentive mood. I'm an introvert and extrovert, an idealist and realist rolled into one. My boss, (if I had one) would call me lazy. I love sports, technology, books, and biology. I'm not creative, I lack ideas, but I'm kinda good at portraying them.. :blushes: I don't like doing nothing. Shopping is fun, if not done regularly. I'm very dreamy. I'm crazy about animals with fur :heart:...except rats! I hate insects and reptiles.. :puke: I'm revengeful, bit forgiving if you apologize. I love preserving moments and saving memories. I need my space, always. My friends rock. Too much to tell, but - it's not hard to figure me out. =P

Oh.. And I can't stand smokers, excessive drinkers and abusers.

Another Bush Classic!


President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games...

He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear:

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings.Your speech is underneath........

Sunday, February 24, 2008

(J) The Shop

Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent
asked 'What are you sellin' here?

One of the men replied sarcastically.'We are selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are doing well ...
Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen???

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

(J) Melbourne Blonde

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section, where she sits down and generally makes herself comfortable.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. The attendant then politely tells the blonde passenger that she has paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it's no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this - I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She looks up at him and smiles, "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Sunday, January 20, 2008

(J) Lady in Bus

Once a lady wearing a saree boarded a bus.

The conductor gave her a ticket of Rs 4.

Next day she wore a mini skirt, she got a ticket of Rs 2.

Next day she didn't need to buy a ticket! why?
















What were you thinking of, you dirty mind

She had a bus pass.

(J) Nasa's employees

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could
go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be
paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to
donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for
two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he
explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money
he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1
million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

(J) Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some @$$#&~* has stolen our tent."

(J) Dollars

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

(J) The Letter

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of delhi in winter for a vacation in rajasthan. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Glass of Milk


One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way

through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his
nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked

hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then
asked, How much do I owe you?"

You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to
accept pay for a kindness."


He said .. "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but
his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and

quit.

Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local
doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they
called in specialists to study her rare disease.


Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name
of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.


Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at
once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her
life. >From that day he gave special attention to her case.


After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for
approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was
sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the

rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught
her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ...

"Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.


Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,
God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."

There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters

comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you
love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least
you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that

what life is all about?

Now you have two choices.

1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message.

2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

(J) The ancient symbols

Archaeologists exploring an ancient site discovered a hidden cave. Written across the wall of the cave, on a jutting out piece of stone, were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said, "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they sought food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left...It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

(J) Christmas presents

On the last day of school, just before the Christmas holidays were to begin, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted the box up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy."