I'm a Goan woman, working in Mumbai as the founder of a studio called Totem Creative. I try to make the world happier, safer and more meaningful. I believe education, knowledge and awareness, art, writing and creating Social Impact are my means to achieve that end.



Saturday, October 31, 2015

How we constantly judge everyone, including ourselves

It's been a while since I wrote something. I went through some old journal entries to instrospect on the kind of person I was back then. Here's one from 26th July 2014.

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We’ve been in a long on-going period of flat hunting. Now that that’s finally done, we’re all working towards getting a tenant for the current house that the guys lived in. I wonder how long it’s gonna take India to move on and let people live their lives. Basic human rights that people have are not given here. One’s right to have animals in the house; right to live with whomever you want. Right to love someone of the same sex openly, and the right to choose who to be with. Sometimes I look back at myself when I judge someone, and wonder where it’s all coming from. Was it my upbringing? The society? Was it me? There are things I still feel I need to change about my thinking and approach towards other humans.


Today evening, I went to buy groceries in Hypercity; we were so out of food. I was on my period. During my period I am especially low on energy, and sometimes I get unbearable stomach cramps. Today I had only the former, and as usual, when I am at my weakest, I tend to challenge myself physically and emotionally. So I decided to shop alone. I waited in the queue for billing. There was a young lady wearing some neon clothes. Her hair was almost orange, and absolutely poker straight, and her nails were coloured a neon pink. She was in the ‘items under 10’ section in front of me, and the rest of us waited behind her while she kept producing different credit cards to pay. I noticed she had only two notebooks to bill – it must’ve been 40-50 bucks. ‘Maybe she doesn’t have change’ I thought. But then everyone in the queue including myself started to get really restless. None of her cards seemed to be working. Finally after 10 minutes, she produced a 100 rupee note. My mouth flung open, and I immediately shut it. I had already judged her to be some blonde rich daddy girl who came to this huge mall to buy 2 notebooks.

While walking back I was so annoyed with myself. Who was I to judge her by how she decided to pay, or what she was buying or wearing? I passed the pani puri guy who smiled at me. It reminded me of the chai wala uncle in Nashik who Akshay and I would buy tea from. I smiled back, and said ‘hello bhaiya’ as I passed. I’m not the kind of person who keeps in touch, or does things spontaneously, but I immediately dialled Akshay’s number. We had a nice conversation till I got home about what he’s upto. I remember how important he felt to me while I was in Nashik, and how I hadn’t bothered to constantly stay in touch. Neither had he, but then he probably wasn’t as close to me as I was to him. I like it when people don’t get too attached to me. Off late I seem a little too selfish to myself; or it’s probably cynical introspection.

When I watch a good film these days, I feel so warm and fuzzy. Even if that’s not what I’m experiencing at the moment, it takes me to a beautiful time when I was there. The other day, Lux, Arvind, En and I watched ‘The Lunchbox’. It was the second time I’d seen it and I felt that intense love for the film all over again. I had such a huge urge to squeeze these 3 people sitting around me. It felt like family, but I controlled myself. I feel like I understand myself so well – I will fall in love, and I will give and drown in them, but they might just get severely creeped out. But then maybe I don’t know myself after all. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting attached – but I’ve never been afraid. I probably don’t know anymore, but that’s ok.

I hope I never become that kind of person who lies to themselves to avoid their real problems; that would be everything against what I stand for. Sometimes I feel like a child, and sometimes I feel the weight of everyone’s despair in my hands. Onward sail.